From the county seat to my hometown in the countryside, it is less than 20km away, but in the past 20years or so, this journey seems to be an unattainable one.     I don’t often go home, not just because this space is too far away, nor because I am too busy with my work, nor because I’ married a wife and forgot my parents’, nor because I’ jumped out’ and’ went out’ and became a citizen’s first-class aristocrat, there is no need to go back to the countryside.. The distance between me and my hometown is different in emotion and psychology.     Due to the requirement of ” filial piety” and the fact that I am still a person with a little culture and a little social ” status” and ” status”, I always feel that I should not evaluate my parents’ relatives with resentment, although the idea of ” filial piety” is not fashionable at the moment, although my ” status” and ” status” are actually just working punctually like a machine, so as to get a very ordinary salaried worker – as an ordinary ordinary person, I think I really am..     Facts have proved that although I think so, I can’t fulfill my’ filial piety’ to my parents as expected, and I can’t maintain my’ identity’,’ purity’ and’ status” noble”, but can only bear the reputation of’ unfilial’ helplessly, and I have to let my supposed noble status never become’ noble’.     In addition to farming, my parents have no long-term skills.     My hometown, my Zili, is located between the mountains at the eastern end of Minshan Mountain. It has little arable land and is barren.. My father, whose mind is unusually simple, seems to have positioned all his hopes for life completely on the unique and extremely barren land. He firmly believes that there will be everything with enough food.. Therefore, the father has always treated the barren land as piously as the gods. ‘ People’s Commune” Times, his dependence on the only’ private plots’ was almost to the point where he devoted most of his efforts.. If not everyone was forced to take part in collective labor at that time, father would rather spend all his time and energy on that small piece of’ private plot’. However, as we all know, during that’ extraordinary’ era, the vast majority of people were starving, and our family was no exception.. Because of the large population in the family, the food distributed in the production team according to the ratio of ” seven labor and three labor” and the food produced in the ” private plots” can only spend half a year talking together.. Even so, my father still believes that as long as I plant it well, it will definitely change the fate of the whole family..     Father’s irreproachable mind, vision and craftsmanship in farming is’ loud’ in the village, which is also where he has been respected and admired by the villagers all the time.. But I didn’t think much of it, and I didn’t think much of it when I was very young..     I like reading since I was a child, although there were really few books to read or even no books to read at that time.. As for doing farm work, whether it is in collective fields or in their own’ private plots’, I fear it because I am too tired and monotonous. The most important thing is that people have been working hard on those lands, but there has never been any pleasant hope. That piece of land seemed extremely stingy at that time.. Because of the lack of nutrition for a long time, my health has been poor, so my strength and endurance are far from satisfying my father’s needs. Maybe years of hard work still can’t lift our family out of poverty. Maybe it’s because my mother gave birth to four girls in succession after I gave birth. My father became more and more irritable and then gradually became furious.. As a result, my father always added abusive language, ugly face and casual fists to my mother and me without warning. My younger sisters, who are not yet adults, naturally became extremely fearful and helpless spectators of cruel domestic violence, and witnesses of father’s violence against me and my mother, who can only endure father’s domestic violence like lambs slaughtered.. Viewers, also is helpless spectators. However, if you want to say ” witness”, what can you do? Living in this country, which is called ” filial piety” and has a cultural tradition and a high status of patriarchal power and power, it seems really natural for fathers and sons to commit violence against their husbands and wives, even in the harsh era of ” 800 million Shenzhou Emperor Shun Yao” and although all traditional things such as ” overthrowing” and ” filial piety” and ” culture” were strongly advocated in that era, the ” dark corner” of the human spirit that even saints could not take into account will always remain. ” My mother and I are long-term victims of family violence cast by fathers, and besides. We can’t go to court with our father, because in this country we have’ patriarchy’ and’ husband power’ first, in this family, he is a father and he is a husband.. I am a son and my mother is a wife. All we can do is bear it, because we should bear it, because in the eyes of my father, my mother and I are encumbrances that prevent him from reliably and effectively helping him out of extreme poverty. My mother and I are guilty.!     Since 1979, rural land has returned to the hands of farmers in the name of ” household contract responsibility system”. My father was almost overjoyed and even ecstatic about this matter. He seemed to see a good time with plenty of clothes and food striding towards him. His hope and his ambition gave the whole family the feeling that he was going to ” south and king” in the near future.!     At that time, I was attending high school in the county seat, and it was only two or three years before the national college entrance examination system was restored. Schools and families placed deep hopes on our generation.. In the midst of intense and heavy schoolwork, I began to think intermittently about a problem: most people, including our family, are finally not hungry, but our family’s economic life is still poor and still has no money, and the general appearance of the family’s food, clothing, housing and transportation has not been fundamentally changed.. I have already clearly seen that some of the more discerning and intelligent people in the neighboring eight townships are quietly leaving the village to leave the land. People with less capital and less skill are ” changing money” between several farmers’ markets around with a bicycle. People with more skill and more skill will take the inter-county and inter-provincial bus to ” changing money” outside. Moreover, it is an indisputable fact that these people who will change their homes with each passing day..     I talked about this matter with my father, only to find that instead of agreeing with my ideas and suggestions, my father ridiculed me for the attitude of those people who envied to change their money, and for the inadequacy of ridicule, he showed great disdain and even contempt for me, a big living person, and I was clearly his son.! Father insisted with great confidence on his point of view and practice: as long as he keeps those lands and grows good crops, he will not worry about having a good life!     Later – to be more precise, in 1980, I was admitted to normal school.     Now I want to think about it, but I also feel glad that most of the expenses for our study were provided by the government at that time. Otherwise, my father, who only grew crops, only knew that he would exchange a few dollars for hard-earned food to support the whole family, and also for me and several younger sisters who are growing up to study – but he did not know whether the only land had the ability to provide us with enough support.. To be sure, in that case, the poverty level in my family will definitely increase and there will be a big question mark on whether my studies can be successfully completed.!     In the third year of my work, my father and I had a very serious conflict on this issue..     Only a few years ago, those people in the village who have been travelling outside all the year round’ doing nothing’ quickly became the hotheaded rich families, while the overall quality and level of family life of those who honestly worked in the home did not change significantly, and compared with previous years, they were just able to eat their fill. Our family is one of them..     When his father saw this fact, his ” Nongben” thought, which he firmly believed in, was finally smashed to pieces by the harsh reality.. He was also depressed, depressed, and suspicious of himself. He once explicitly told his family whether he really missed the right direction and lost the opportunity. Perhaps, he also doubted his ability, but he never said it publicly.. In a word, the joy that has been rippling on his father’s face for several years has gradually faded away and replaced it with his rarely relaxed frown, his irascible bad temper, his anger and the weak character of others, and then his father began to become furious again.. Maybe his desire to shake off poverty is too strong, maybe the reality has hit him too hard and too heartless, and his father is beginning to feel resentful.. I don’t understand until now, his agricultural technology is so superb and outstanding, he is so confident himself, but why is his temper so frightening and why his father is angry at others in all things? At that time, he began to angry again, the object of course is my mother and me.. He began to complain about his mother’s incompetence in the slightest disregard for the feelings of husband and wife. He also complained that I had become a student, worked, earned money and received a salary, but did not fully support the family.. Later, he explicitly proposed to me that he would come to manage my salary ( at that time, my salary was 47. 55 yuan RMB ) on the grounds that he raised me and provided me with a book to get the job!     We broke up.     Not only because of money, but also because I can’t stand my father’s arbitrariness and moodiness. In particular, I can’t stand his courage to bear everything like a man. What I can’t stand most is that he often beats my mother in front of our sisters. I finally find the vicious, selfish and serious cowardice that has finally broken out in my father’s soul for many years..As a young man, as a father, as a husband, as the most important and important role in a big family, he attributed all the causes of poverty in family life to my disobedience and my mother’s incompetence. All the weaknesses and misdeeds of my father made him completely lose his rightful important position and tall image in my heart, and he became both terrible and hateful.. I couldn’t get along with him, and I couldn’t live with him any more. I began to stay away from home for a long time..     Since then, in my more than 30 years of life experience, I have been thinking that the root cause of poverty in our family is not the amount of money and material resources, but the serious lack of spirit and love. To put it bluntly, my father is selfish and has little love.. In terms of survival concept, he is a traditional Chinese farmer of specimen type, and he does not have the minimum love and conscience of a person in terms of his normal emotions.. His cultural level is not high, but he does not know why he has such a strong decadent thought of ” valuing agriculture over commerce”, and his paternalism is so unusually cruel, stubborn and selfish, and his human nature has such a serious cowardice.. In particular, the direct manifestation of father’s cowardice turned out to be frequent anger, violence and fierce fighting against his closest relatives, and finally he would not hesitate to expel me from his home in order to safeguard his family power and fragile dignity.!     About hometown, about youth and youth, in me, it is a long and ethereal dream, and how sad the dream is.. In my soul, my family’s fate became a ” chronic disease” that was cured for life as a teenager in my life. Coincidentally, it was true that I was feeling sick or was destined to face internal and external difficulties in my body and mind. After decades of estrangement and love-hate struggle, I really suffered from chronic skin diseases. Every spring and autumn, the disease recurred violently, with pain and itching, redness and red spots all over my body, making me miserable.. In desperation, I thought again: Is the pain of the heart so tangled with love and hate finally transformed into a disease of flesh and skin that has not been cured for a long time?? Is this retribution? If so, is it just retribution for me and no retribution for my father at all? And I, indeed, am his son?     My soul’s unhappiness for such a long time is a huge defect in my life, which has been lingering in my mind for many years and deeply concerned about it.. Blood is thicker than water and love is thicker than blood. Although there are so many disagreements between my father and me, the family relationship between my father and me is always cut off. We are father-son relationship. This fact can never be changed. How can I avoid it??     Over the years, I have insisted on persuading myself to reflect on myself and try my best to accept what has happened. Therefore, I always want to go home to see my family during the holidays. Although my family has been a real’ cold door’ for many years, I still want to go back, because I have to go back, I don’t go there, and I have no place to’ go back’. Although I am the only eldest son in the family and my father did not give me even a little property, although he ruthlessly deprived me of the right to inherit property, although the poor family still does not have much property, I still want to go back, although my father’s face is still cold and lukewarm after going back, and his words to me are still as cold and lukewarm as before, although the fire of hatred has not completely extinguished from his eyes.. However, after all, time has changed and he and his mother are both old. I think, no matter how many misunderstandings and mistakes there are, there is no need to carry out punitive investigation or even speak out about the aging life.. Life requires everyone to learn to be tolerant. My father and I should be tolerant, because so many precious days in the past have been wasted without meaning. In the past few decades, my father and I have little knowledge of life, life and affection. In fact, my father and I are both growing up and growing up in confusion.. In the little time left in his father’s life, it’s precious to let the family as much joy as possible. What’s the need, how much time to revive the old story and repeat the old story?? Besides, the chronic diseases that have not yet claimed my life have gradually discovered and convinced me that it is also time to rely on the warmth and joy of family ties to cure the disease.. Life and times have separated my father’s heart from mine for a time. Today, this sad journey should be over.     In the first month of this year, I went to my hometown in the countryside, which was many years later.     At the turn of spring and summer, I went again.     Father is really old, his face is piled with jagged and desolate scores of years. When he saw me, his facial expression was warm and joyful, and his words were much softer. He even smiled and handed me cigarettes as innocently and joyfully as a child receives visitors from afar.!     next year, you are also fifty years old! ‘ After dinner, my mother said to me like this.     My heart began to bleed with sadness!     Did it not! Mother and father are also in their seventies. Between them and me, the resentment that has not yet been known has blinded and isolated our flesh and blood like evil influence for so many years. Their lives, their hearts and I have met again in such a dramatic way that they will meet again in their later years and in my middle age. Is this all a dream??     My mother asked me about my illness. I didn’t downplay it to her, but told her the truth. I think my mother will be sad and anxious after listening to me, and I have some regrets.. Unexpectedly, my mother was silent for a moment and said to me with a smile, ” Relax.”! If you relax your heart, you can cure any serious illness! ‘ I don’t fully understand the meaning of mother’s words, she said so probably is she comforting me – generally, she can only comfort me like this! However, I can see that my mother’s prayer to me was sincere. At that time, she was smiling calmly. Her mother’s smile was a’ carefree’ smile and a’ fearless’ smile. My mother’s smile made me feel safe and warm..     My heart began to flow with sincere joy.     In turn, I thought, why am I so sad because of illness?? After all these years, did mothers and fathers have no’ sickness’ in their souls? Don’t their hearts have’ hurt’? Confucius said, ” Parents are here, not old.”. Filial piety is not kindness. Within the boudoir door, play without sigh. ‘ For so many years, I didn’t have fun with them. Now I’m very not easy for family members to get together and sigh and complain to my parents because of my illness. Originally I was selfish too. My heart couldn’t help but be surprised – today, what qualifications do I have for sighing and sighing in front of them due to illness??     Therefore, I changed my mind again and said, ” That is, it doesn’t matter. I’m grasping the treatment and will be fine soon.”! Next, people who wanted to say a few more words such as’ take care of yourself’ felt inappropriate and that was the most useless hypocritical thing in the world.. My parents are still alive, but I can only do it with my heart. If not, what can I say??     Two days later, it’s a weekend. If nothing else is involved, I’ll go back to my hometown in the countryside and walk into my own cold door to see my mother and father.. Life is less than 100 years old, why worry about a thousand years old?How can I make my home so close to me as far away as thousands of miles away?? Besides, mother and father, they are really old.     2012 – 6 – 14